Abuse and trauma survivors fear upsetting others because it equates to rejection. We spend much of our lives caught up in other people’s tides, often giving little thought to our own needs and aspirations. Yet we all deserve to live happy and full lives – so how can we grow our inner strength?

Firstly, we need to recognise unhelpful behaviour within ourselves. This in itself is huge progress: installing an anchor in your own boat so that you don’t sail down the river. Now, your vessel is already stronger.

Next, we must reflect on aspects of our personalities where we feel weak. These might include indecisiveness, having anxiety over the fear of upsetting others, or falling back into poor habits, etc.

Again, bringing our own frustrations to our conscious thinking is hugely strengthening. At least we can become aware of what we want to address about ourselves:

Decision making: Do not be forced into making a decision quickly just to appease others. State that you need time to think about it, and create a list of pros and cons to help bring clarity. Inform the person when you will reach the decision by, and don’t budge. Grow your strength with less important decisions first, for example: “Yes, I will come with you to that, but I’ll need an hour to myself afterwards.”

Fear of upsetting others: Use a positive statement as a prefix, for example: “You did a good job, thank you, but you have accidentally overlooked … and it needs including please.”

Falling back into poor habits: Knowing that you have succumbed is again a positive state of mind. There is nothing productive about beating ourselves up. Try to get back on track at your earliest convenience – if it fails, start again, and measure progress daily. On day three reward yourself with a sensible treat.

Once we have addressed the aspects within our personalities that we feel are weak, we can look at strengthening other areas in our lives. See it as building a structure. We need to get the foundations solid before we can build the walls. It is a road to self-development and not a race track.