I had numerous family losses in 2016.

When I lost my mother in law, it felt like I was falling from the sky – without a parachute.
When I lost my dog, it felt as though my body had crashed to the ground.

When I lost my poor brother, it felt as though a giant had stamped on my weak body. I’m sure the grief monster broke my every bone.

The physical pain was real, and for weeks after, I felt as though I had an icy veil which made me literally shake.
My brother’s tragic passing was sudden. The pain remains constant and intense.

In the early weeks’, I may as well have been blind-folded. My vision actually felt impaired. I made silly mistakes – I put the milk in the cupboard. I totally lost the ability to speak, sometimes.

Emma had shut down. I’d been switched off like a computer.

There were limited things I could face doing. Some of them I still struggle with. They include:

• Eating a certain cake brand
• Getting washed or dressed
• Talking, outside of work
• Smiling
• Listening to certain artists
• Encountering certain people, places and memories

Trauma affects all of us differently. It also shapes your immediate landscape or surroundings. I felt as though I was trapped in a bubble; my hearing was distorted. The birds sang with an irritating shrill. Car drivers seemed more aggressive. People ignored me.

Perhaps in times of trauma, we should liken our feelings to a heavy snow fall. When the white stuff falls deep, then lots of things we can usually see in the garden are hidden or look different.

You can’t see the flowers. It’s as though they’ve vanished. They’re hiding under a crisp blanket of bland. You may only just about be able to make out the garden shed. You have to cut a path away towards it if you want to search for that extra heater.

If you are on shut down, everything around you and within you will feel different.

Do only the basic things. Be pleased with yourself as you gradually feel able to do a little more – like brush your teeth. You may find that you are coping with grief on your own – in my experience, some people will actually avoid you. They just don’t know what to say. This is why it’s so important to nurture yourself, with realistic expectations. Do the very minimum tasks that are pressing, and make sure you give yourself the space to grieve. Try to look after you, one step at a time.