I admire devout kind people, and greatly those whose religion orientates around forgiveness.

 

If one can forgive another person’s actions or words, then this must be intensely healing and liberating. It might even be the ultimate state of mental wellbeing; since to let go surely makes for a clearer and lighter mind…

 

Yet, there are some acts and crimes that feel impossible to forgive another person for; the most heinous – wreck families and ripple through generations.

 

When we want to heal, without the support of a religious belief, then the only remedy seems to be to no longer associate with our perpetrator. To detach ourselves from negative energy, or toxicity in people- is well-written about; less so are coping strategies for those of us who can’t forgive.

 

Such strategies, in my experience, centre around self-care: healthy eating, exercising, mindfulness, quality time with friends and so on. Yet, embarking on such pursuits is like trying to blend oil and water; if you’re still enduring the mental anguish of not being able to forgive. It is like trying to plant a tree in cement. We want to see ourselves grow and improve, but we’re pulled down by the unfounded guilt by not being able to forgive.

 

To forgive seems to be the stock advice, and where you can’t, then we must find an alternative word, which will do the same job: to ease your addled mind. When our head feels less cluttered, then we can contemplate taking better care of number one…

 

 

Perhaps the new word for forgiveness could be acceptance, and to focus those feelings on ourselves instead. To accept that we couldn’t control the situation we once found ourselves in; or that the events occurred in our childhood, when our immaturity or vulnerabilities prevented us from speaking out.

 

Additionally, we could shapeshift our attitude. We can forgive ourselves instead; because maturity allows us to realise that other than our own: thoughts, actions, and words – nothing else is in our control.

 

Or, the new word could be: forge, because we’re bravely forging ahead with our lives, creatively, constructively, and consistently, regardless of the trauma that can sap our energy.

 

You could even make up your own phrase, or to simply commit that you’re moving on from the shackles of your past.  Irrespective of your feelings.

 

When I recalled for how long, I’d felt such unease, it was a real game-changer. I chose to forgive myself, because I looked at all the decades that I felt imprisoned and literally thought:

 

“Okay I can’t forgive so and so, but I can forgive myself.”

 

I literally thought: “Wow this person has taken too many decades of my time on earth. Time for me to have autonomy of my head and my feelings.”

 

I hope you find this helpful. SUNNY wishes, Emma x