From the outside, the house looked much like a child’s picture: innocent and with four windows and a door in the middle. The newly built property, its town centre location: – caused much gush in the sales literature: “Rare chance to acquire large, newly – built family house in the peaceful historic town centre.”

One family lived there… It was my family. Peace never meandered in the house.

In the ordinary looking house, there was a non-descript dining room table. It was functional, yet treasured only by one. It was permanently decorated by two sets of different crockery and cutlery. The mish-mash chinked and wobbled every time it was walked by. It was due to the uneven seam from the differing fabrics- of the two table cloths, butting together awkwardly.

And I wobbled lots too, not merely due to the disability. It was a frightening and harrowing upbringing…

Yet thankfully and whilst it took decades: I have now surpassed the survival mode.

It happened just over a year ago, when I finally disowned my perpetrator.

Like many survivors, I am reticent about detailing the events in my childhood. Instead, I have squished the spot of them out in a future book; hopefully my introspective account may help other people…

Now, I am far more interested in the novelty feeling of emotional freedom, and sharing the positive aspects of my ongoing healing journey.

The first step in surpassing the survival mode, is gaining access to our conscious awareness. I functioned well in parent and work mode but, I had no idea that most of my life had been running in autopilot mode. Trauma is a peculiar brain freeze, and since ninety -five percent of our thinking is made in our sub- conscious thoughts; we need to tap into our own subliminal thinking: to reconnect to our own inner voice. Our inner voice, or our authentic self is our unique birth personality. It is the sapling tree of us – before it got damaged by trauma.

To re-connect with our original self, we must learn to defrost our brain freeze.  We must give voice to our subconscious thinking. I did this by sitting quietly amongst nature, and walking and improving my diet. In that space, I afforded myself clarity of mind, and I wrote down all the random things that were swirling around in my thoughts.

I was searching for the time, when by I remembered what my young tree looked like, before the storm of trauma. I wished to pinpoint a time in my childhood when I felt powerful and untainted. It was when I was three -years -old, and I first learned to talk and walk. I was born with cerebral palsy, and the medics had written me off: stating to my parents, that I would not be able to achieve either. But I recalled the determination, I had then, and this was my eureka moment. I was able to regress myself back to the toddler-me in the physiotherapist’s treatment room. I recalled the drive I had then, and siphoned off its energy to use in my real time.  I had transplanted the original shoot of me, tapering it on to my much older trunk of today. I had finally woken up, and many of my subconscious thoughts of yesteryear: shone like vibrant new buds on my modified tree. I was finally able to work in unison; utilizing both my old energies, and my conscious awakening to see the chink of light in the forest I live in.

Calmness is mastery; in this space our minds flourish, and it is only the storms around us, that we cannot control, that blur our personal development.

To help you surpass the survival mode, try doing the same, you must be amongst the natural world, because you form part of it. It is not self-indulgent, or a waste of time: to get outside and find the quietude to think. Do not get bogged -down in detail, simply enjoy the beauty of your surroundings: the joyous birdsong, the magnificent rainbow of wildflowers, and the comforting earthy grounding scents.

Keep your thinking nature-orientated and your walks, or sitting by the river- consistent. If you do not currently connect to nature, then invest in the new habit of doing so. Start gently: – once a week for half an hour, and build from there, even if you are just sitting on a park bench to begin with.

Once you have done this a few times, and you only initially allow yourself to keep your thoughts on nature, then you will be ready to take a notepad and pen with you. Start by jotting down any thought that pops up into your mind. Or sketch them if you prefer. This is you identifying and giving voice to your own subconscious thinking. Practice this for a while, and when you feel ready, ask of yourself: “When did I feel at my most invincible, or determined.” Tip: try to cast your mind back chronologically, because you can be thorough, and the chances are, that it was also a time in your innocent years. This is because young children are very black and white in their thinking, and when we have no bias or third -party influence.

Gather up your units of your own clarity and gently begin to reassemble the pieces of your original self: one gentle step at a time.

I hope you find this helpful.

With SUNNY wishes, Emma x